Getting Back Your Spark When Every Day Feels Hard

“When you reach the end of your rope, tie a knot in it and hang on.” ~Thomas Jefferson

Did you ever wake up one morning and not know who you were anymore?

Waking up for the past four years of my life, I felt like I was in the movie Groundhogs Day. The same things happened every day, and I felt the same horrible feelings all the time. Anxiety, depression, and hopelessness ran my life.

I had it all figured out at some point. I was furthering my career and moving toward my dream of becoming a psychologist. I had great co-workers, tons of friends, and a supportive family.

There was this continuous, sun-shiny, flowing feeling of “everything works out for the best.” Any struggles I went through would make me stronger, a better psychologist and friend. A better person. And so, I enjoyed the ups and downs of life with no regrets and little struggle.

It seems that I woke up one day and everything was gone.

I had lost my job, which paid for my education. All of my friends had drug abuse issues, and I removed myself from their lives or vice versa. My puppy, best friend since age five, died four days before my birthday. I was plagued with pain from Lyme disease and an undiagnosed tick-borne illness. I felt like every piece of my life was falling apart.

My dreams were not coming true anymore. I still have no idea how I slid down this far without knowing it.

The best parts of my life had left me, and it seems like it all hit me at once. There were no more happy, “let it go, it’ll all turn out for the best” thoughts. It was all darkness. I had lost myself and my joy for life.

The worst part was that I knew I could get back to that place if I tried. But I didn’t know how. I longed for that spark, that fulfillment with my life for years. I just couldn’t put my finger on what I was missing. I hadn’t even realized that it was gone until it seemed light years away.

I realize now that there were quite a few things I could actively do every day to pull myself out of this dark place. If you’re going through a rough time, these may help you, as well.

1. Acknowledge and appreciate everything that happens, even the seemingly bad.

During my “golden age,” I had acknowledged everything that worked out well for me. I recognized the random strokes of luck that life handed me and appreciated them, and it seemed like more of these things happened as a result.

When I lost my way, I was so focused on the negative, overwhelming feelings that I thought good things just didn’t happen for me anymore. I had to learn that the only difference between a good thing and a bad thing is how you look at it.

I could sit and think about how much I disliked my boyfriend’s mother all day. From the first thought in the morning, all the way until bedtime I could obsess over how horribly she treated me. Why couldn’t she just accept me as I am? I love her son more than anything, after all!

After struggling with this for close to a year, I finally realized why she had grown to be such a focal point in my life. She was here to teach me compassion. True, loving compassion for someone you thought you couldn’t stand, until you open your eyes and think what it may be like to be them.

It is a good thing that she is in my life, and though she often presents challenges to me, that’s not necessarily a bad thing. She helped me to see that people are not black and white, good or bad.

Nothing is inherently bad; it just is. As your mind processes information, it applies your filters, your beliefs, and your preconceptions to the information. This is the reason we are angered, or feel sad, or disappointed. It’s not actually the thing she said, or what he did that angered you; it’s all what you think about it.

2. Challenge limiting, irrational thoughts.

When things go haywire, we tend to cling to our irrational thoughts like a life preserver, when what we really need to hold onto is our inner calm.

I really believed that I could just think my way out of the hopelessness-box I had placed myself in. I obsessed and ran and re-ran the same thoughts all day, trying to make sense or pull what I wanted out of every conversation.

My mind was a mess of tangled thoughts that I used to keep me in a bad place. Nothing was ever good enough; nothing was ever good at all. And there seemed nothing I could do about it but obsess even more.

I would obsess that my boyfriend and I weren’t getting along. Did he still love me? Why wasn’t that spark there anymore? He was cheating on me, he had to be. Why couldn’t things be the way they used to be? Why had he said that thing this morning, the one that made me feel so unloved?

I realized that all these thoughts did was give me something external to obsess over, to keep me from thinking about the real problem.

The real reason why I was uncomfortable and stuck in this thought loop was because of my own insecurities. I did not feel like I was good enough for him, hence my sneaking suspicion he would cheat on me. Focusing on what he may do kept me from addressing my own issues.

I was insecure. I had deep rooted self-worth issues, and what I kept looking past was the fact that all this started and ended with me. It was my insecurities making me think this way. It was my thoughts that would one day enable these things to happen—if I wanted to keep believing that I wasn’t good enough.

Often, when you think defeating and self-limiting thoughts all day, you actually start to believe they are true.

If you start from a place of love and acceptance for yourself, it greatly affects the way you think about important things in your life. My panicked mind just took the root cause and expanded upon it, made it grow, made it bigger and meaner until I just couldn’t overlook the real problem staring me in the face anymore.

When you accept and love yourself as you are, and when you feel the inner peacefulness and calm inside yourself, you are able to see straight through your own tricks.

3. Do something just for you. Every day.

I am a responsible person and I always did everything I was supposed to do. I was a good girl. I went to work. I did my job. I did the dishes and laundry and was exhausted by the end of every day. But I couldn’t sleep through the night.

I felt like nothing was ever truly done. There was always more to do. I remember looking at a dirty bottle once and breaking down crying. Being everything for everyone doesn’t mean anything if you can’t enjoy a few moments with yourself. No one can appreciate you the way you can.

I slowly started substituting tasks with things I wanted to do. Instead of coming home and picking up the living room, I would come home and exercise. I felt better, relaxed, and energized when I was done, and the picking up got done quickly and without the bitterness accompanied by never having any time to do anything for me.

Its funny—all these people are relying on you, but all these people really need is you. Not the things you do. They love and appreciate you for you, not for the clean house. I had built up this idea that being a mother and responsible adult meant that I couldn’t have fun anymore. That I couldn’t do things I enjoy.

Make time to do something you love, and to just be you. Make you your number one priority today. Everything else will fall into place

4. Let the fun in.

Dance to your favorite song in the car, go dig your hands in the dirt in the garden, tickle your husband, make a mess; however you like to have fun, do it!

It seems like as we grow into adults, we are expected to act like grown-ups and slowly filter out all the fun in our lives. Piece by piece you realize everything that you used to enjoy, you no longer do!

Reclaim your life.

You need to take whatever time you have and use it to the fullest. It’s okay to go a little crazy. Get a little dirty doing something you enjoy. Remember what it was like to be a kid and totally immerse yourself in something, just because you loved to do it.

Forget your to-do list and do you instead. Love completely, open your heart, act like a kid, and who knows; you may just feel like one again.

source:- http://tinybuddha.com/blog/getting-back-spark-every-day-feels-hard/

THE FANTASY OF BEING THIN

I need you all to read this, every day for the next month until you get it into your head!
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A while back, Joy Nash provided us with this excellent quote of the day:

Obese patients are often encouraged to believe that weight loss is an appropriate way to combat depression, save a failing marriage, or increase the chance of career success. The irrationality of hopes pinned on weight loss is so striking that dieting might almost be likened to superstitious behavior…. Passing from childhood into adolescence, leaving home, marrying, starting a new job, having a baby, experiencing marital difficulties, adjusting to children leaving home, and growing old — all these life situations may become unexamined reasons to diet. In other instances, concerns over weight mask even more serious problems.”

-Wooley and Garner, from “Obesity treatment: the high cost of false hope,” published in the Journal of the American Dietetic Association, vol. 91, no. 10, 1991.

For the last few days, I’ve been thinking I wanted to blog on this subject but haven’t quite been able to pull my thoughts together. (Hence “help me find a dress” post.) Here goes nuthin’.

Once you’ve really started believing in fat acceptance — as opposed to thinking it sounds nice for other people, but you still need to lose X lbs. before you’ll be acceptable — it can be hard to remember how you thought about these issues before (just as it can be hard to imagine what it would really be like to accept your fat body before you’ve done it). I’ve written several times about how I spent ages in the cognitive dissonance phase, thinking it made perfect sense that the OBESITY CRISIS hype was way overblown, and even if it weren’t, dieting doesn’t work anyway — but still wanting to lose weight, still feeling like I, personally, needed to be a size 10, max, before I could really get started on my fat acceptance journey. The thing is, that memory is almost totally intellectual now; I don’t really recall what it felt like to believe those two contradictory things simultaneously.

But then, the other day, I got to thinking about a particular kind of resistance that shows up every single time anyone dares to say that dieting doesn’t work — the kind that comes from other fat people and amounts to, “DON’T YOU TAKE MY HOPE AWAY!” Those of us in the anti-dieting camp are frequently accused of demoralizing fat people, of sending a cruelly pessimistic message. I’ve never quite gotten my head around that one, since the message we’re sending is that you’re actually allowed to love your fat body instead of hating it, and you can take steps to substantially improve your health without fighting a losing battle with your weight. I’m pretty sure that message is both compassionate and optimistic, not to mention realistic. But there will always be people who hear it as, “I, Kate Harding, am personally condemning you to a lifetime of fatness! There’s no point in trying, fatty! You’re doomed! Mwahahaha!”

Yeah, that’s exactly what I’m saying. *headdesk*

And then I started thinking about what it was really like before I’d actually made peace with my body. And what it was really like was this: The Fantasy of Being Thin absolutely dominated my life — even after I’d gotten thin once, found myself just as depressive and scattered and frustrated as always, and then gained all the weight back because, you know, diets don’t work. The reality of being thin didn’t even sink in after all that, because The Fantasy of Being Thin was still far more familiar to me, still what I knew best. I’d spent years and years nurturing that fantasy, and only a couple years as an actual thin person. Reality didn’t have a chance.

We’ve talked a lot here about how being fat shouldn’t stop you from doing the things you’ve always believed you couldn’t do until you were thin. Put on a bathing suit and go waterskiing. Apply for that awesome job you’re just barely qualified for. Ask that hot guy out. Join a gym. Wear a gorgeous dress. All of those concrete things you’ve been putting off? Just fucking do them, now, because this IS your life, happening as we speak.

But exhortations like that don’t take into account magical thinking about thinness, which I suspect — and the quote above suggests — is really quite common. Because, you see, the Fantasy of Being Thin is not just about becoming small enough to be perceived as more acceptable. It is about becoming an entirely different person — one with far more courage, confidence, and luck than the fat you has. It’s not just, “When I’m thin, I’ll look good in a bathing suit”; it’s “When I’m thin, I will be the kind of person who struts down the beach in a bikini, making men weep.” See also:

• When I’m thin, I’ll have no trouble finding a partner/reinvigorating my marriage.
• When I’m thin, I’ll have the job I’ve always wanted.
• When I’m thin, I won’t be depressed anymore.
• When I’m thin, I’ll be an adventurous world traveler instead of being freaked out by any country where I don’t speak the language and/or the plumbing is questionable.
• When I’m thin, I’ll become really outdoorsy.
• When I’m thin, I’ll be more extroverted and charismatic, and thus have more friends than I know what to do with.

Et cetera, et cetera. Those are examples from my personal Fantasy of Being Thin, but I’m sure you’ve got your own. (Please do share in comments!)

In light of that, it’s a lot easier to understand why some people freak out when you say no, really, your chances of losing weight permanently are virtually nil, so you’d be better off focusing on feeling good and enjoying your life as a fat person. To someone fully wrapped up in The Fantasy of Being Thin, that doesn’t just mean, “All the best evidence suggests you will be fat for the rest of your life, but that’s really not a terrible thing.” It means, “You will NEVER be the person you want to be! All the evidence suggests you will never find a satisfying relationship or get a promotion or make more friends or feel confident trying new things!”

So if that’s what you hear when I say, “Diets don’t work,” then yeah, I can see how that would be a major bummer.

Overcoming The Fantasy of Being Thin might be the hardest part of making it all the way into fat acceptance-land. And that might just be why I’d pushed that part of the process out of my memory: it fucking sucked. Because I didn’t just have to accept the size of my thighs; I had to accept who I am, rather than continuing to wait until I magically became the person I’d always imagined being. Ouch.

That is, of course, a pretty normal part of getting older. You start to realize that yeah, this actually is it, and although you can still try enough new things to keep anyone busy for two lifetimes, you’re pretty much stuck with a basic context. There are skills, experiences, and material things you will almost certainly never have, period. It’s a challenge for all of us to understand that accepting this fact of life does not necessarily mean cutting off options or giving up dreams, but simply — as in the proverbial story about the creation of the David — chipping away all that is not you. But for a fat person, it can be even harder, because so many fucking sources encourage us to believe that inside every one of us is “a thin person waiting to get out” — and that thin person is SO MUCH COOLER.

The reality is, I will never be the kind of person who thinks roughing it in Tibet sounds like a hoot; give me a decent hotel in London any day. I will probably never learn to waterski well, or snow ski at all, or do a back handspring. I can be outgoing and charismatic in small doses, but I will always then need time to recharge my batteries with the dogs and a good book; I’ll never be someone with a chock-full social calendar, because I would find that unbearably exhausting. (And no matter how well I’ve learned to fake it — and thus how much this surprises some people who know me — new social situations will most likely always intimidate the crap out of me.) I might learn to speak one foreign language fluently over the course of my life, but probably not five. I will never publish a novel until I finish writing one. I will always have to be aware of my natural tendency toward depression and might always have to medicate it. Smart money says I am never going to chuck city life to buy an alpaca farm or start a new career as a river guide. And my chances of marrying George Clooney are very, very slim.

None of that is because I’m fat. It’s because I’m me.

But when I was invested in The Fantasy of Being Thin, I really believed that changing this one “simple” (ha!) thing would unlock a whole new identity — this totally fabulous, free-spirited, try-anything-once kind of chick who was effortlessly a magnet for interesting people and experiences. And of course, the dark side of that is that being fat then became an excuse not to do much of anything, because it wouldn’t be the real me doing it, so what was the point? If I wouldn’t find the right guy until I was thin, why bother dating? If I wouldn’t have a breakthrough on the novel until I was thin, why bother writing? If I wouldn’t be the life of the party until I was thin, why bother trying to make new friends? If I wouldn’t feel like climbing a mountain until I was thin, why bother traveling at all?

Et cetera, et cetera, et cetera.

Accepting my fat really wasn’t the hard part. Accepting my personality — and my many limitations that have jack shit to do with my thighs — was. But oddly enough, once I started to do that, my life became about a zillion times more satisfying. I found the right guy, I took up yoga, I started taking my writing more seriously, I stopped apologizing for taking vacations in the U.S. and Canada instead of somewhere more exotic, etc. And lo and behold, things got a lot more fun around here. The thin person inside me finally got out — it just turned out she was actually a fat person. A reasonably attractive, semi-outgoing fat person who has an open mind and an active imagination but also happens to really like routine and familiarity and quiet time alone.

That was never who I expected to be — it was just always who I was.

So giving up dieting and accepting my body didn’t just mean admitting I would never be thin; it meant admitting I would never be a million things I might have been. (Which, I’m told, is a phenomenon sometimes known as “maturity.”) I am absolutely not one for settling — which is where the confusion about pessimism comes in, I think — but I am one for self-awareness and self-forgiveness. Meaning, there’s a big difference between saying you can’t be anything other than what you are right now, and you don’t have to be anything other than what you are right now. You will probably never be permanently thin, unless you are already, but other than that, the sky’s the limit. You can be anything or anyone you want to be, in theory.

The question is, who do you really want to be, and what are you going to do about it? (Okay, two questions.) The Fantasy of Being Thin is a really convenient excuse for not asking yourself those questions sincerely — and that’s exactly why it’s dangerous. It keeps you from being not only who you are, but who you actually could be, if you worked with what you’ve got. And that person trapped inside you really might be cooler than you are right now.

She’s just not thin.

source:- http://kateharding.net/2007/11/27/the-fantasy-of-being-thin/

     

Are You Living in Limbo?

This is that boot up the backside I needed!
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Limbo. It's that awkward place between where you are now and where you'll be "soon."Maybe you're planning to move across the country in the near future. Or your lease is ending in a few months and you're not sure if you'll be able to stay. Perhaps you have to travel for work off and on for the next six months.

So you think to yourself... What's the point in trying to meet someone new and amazing, I'll just be moving soon. Why bother getting that little arts and crafts corner set up in my current place, I may have to box it all up. Why bother taking that class, joining that group or making new friends, I'll just be on the go and away from it all.

The point is that life is precious and way too short to waste in limbo.

Limbo is also the birthplace of unfulfillment, depression, frustration, isolation and general "meh"-ness. When you allow yourself to enter the mental space of limbo, you effectively put living, loving, dreaming, scheming playing, connecting and whatever other wonderful ing-thing you want and desire on hold.

You put life on hold.

And when life is on hold, it slips by fast -- opportunities go unclaimed, amazing love remains undiscovered, friends, laughter, adventures and happiness fade away before you even experience them. All because you're waiting for something that's going to happen "soon."

Your "soon" may be two weeks, two years or two months. Doesn't matter. What matters is that you deserve an amazing, joy-filled life with phenomenal people in it.

So how do you stop living in limbo?

Start living in the moment.

One of the most transformational lessons I've learned in my life thus far is how to live in this exact moment, rather than getting lost in the mess of thoughts, negative chatter, worry, fear or drama in my head.

Think about it for a moment. (Yes, I'm giving you temporary permission to go in your head.) Instead of putting yourself out there, falling in love, making amazing friends, having fun and exciting life experiences, you're probably sitting at home or work thinking about how you'd love to be doing those things, but can't, since you have this change happening "soon."

Here's the truth, you can have those things. So what if you're only here for two more months? Get yourself out there and do all the things you want to do! Date (maybe even fall in love), meet new people (find the bestie you've always dreamed of), take that art class (so you'll miss the final show... at least you'll have made some art)!

Start showing up to every moment of every single day fully present and engaged in what you're doing or who you're with. Stop thinking about how things "have to be" because of something happening later. Be here now for this moment and have the most amazing experience you can.

Stop being afraid of what you can't control or foresee.

Unless you're some kind of amazing psychic, you don't know what's going to happen with anything, so stop assuming that you do.

"They won't want to hang out with someone who's moving soon."

"No one would ever want to date me seriously the way I have to travel."

"I'm not going to be able to stay here, anyway."

You don't know that. It's not possible for you to know that, especially when other people are involved. So stop assuming! Your "soon" is in the future, not right now. For all you know, you could meet a kindred spirit that you connect so deeply with you remain best friends via text, email and Skype for the rest of your lives. You could meet the man of your dreams who, by the time "soon" arrives, is willing to make things work. Or, your landlord will let you stay in your place and you just wasted a couple months not doing crafts because you assumed you'd have to move.

Stop being afraid or "realistic" about things... just live your life.

Remember that you can't control everything.

I strongly believe that if something's meant to happen, it will happen, whether you're ready for it or not. So if you're supposed to connect with someone specific, come across a certain opportunity or be guided in a certain direction, it's going to happen. Trust that everything happens for a reason and start moving with the flow of life.

Don't try so hard to maintain "control" of your life and your plan. When you do, you miss out on amazing things. Unexpected job offers, the person you're supposed to spend your life with, that best friend you've always wanted,

Just because you planned to move, change jobs, get married or whatever else, doesn't mean that's what's supposed to happen for you. If life presents you with an opportunity and your intuition says "hell yes!" you'd better listen up and act accordingly. Trying to control every little thing just causes unnecessary stress, frustration and anxiety. Loosen up your grip, begin listening to and trusting your intuition, and start to enjoy the amazing journey that is life.

Most importantly, stop wasting time in limbo!

Take action now!

If you feel like you're living in limbo, grab a notebook or journal and answer the following questions:

• Why am I so afraid/hesitant to do the things I want to do?
• How would it feel to do them anyway and really start living and enjoying my life in the present moment?
• Where can I relax my need for control and start moving with the flow of life?

Then... close your eyes, take a deep breath and re-engage in your life, in this moment (and every single moment after that) fully and completely.

This article, in The Huffington Post, is by Stephenie Zamora and can be seen here:-

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/stephenie-zamora/happiness_b_2175805.html

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