Bemoaning the things that upset you is easy. Figuring out what would work better? Not so much. Martha Beck shares the four steps you need to visualize the best solution—and then make it happen.
Illustration by Brock Davis
Here's the truth: People who get what they want tend to be the ones who make the effort to know what they want.
They say feminism had several "waves," though I can never keep them straight. All I know is, back in the day, one of these waves sloshed me into many passionate conversations with classmates and colleagues about the changes we wished to see in the world. These were mostly good old bitch 'n' moan sessions, in which we lamented everything from unfair wages to sex slavery. True, the potential for another type of conversation did occasionally arise, when someone would ask, "So how do we fix things?" But at that point, a funny thing always happened: We suddenly ran out of things to say.
I don't blame us for clamming up. I understand the buzzkill. Complaining is easy, even fun, compared with the challenge of creating a plan for positive change. Watching some of the brightest women I've ever met struggle to invent practical alternatives to sexism, I gained huge respect for anyone who pushes beyond kvetching and into clarity.
These days, as a coach, I see a similar dynamic play out for my clients. They complain in rich detail about the things that are wrong with their lives: demanding children, overbearing bosses, the bafflingly low sales of their topiary sculptures. But when it comes to specifying the fix, people haul out their broadest brushes. "I just want love," they say. "Passion." "Inner peace." It's like telling a waiter, "Bring me something delicious. I have no idea what, but I'll know it when I taste it." No order that fuzzy is likely to produce a satisfying result.
