by Jen Landa MD on university.peertrainer.com
1. You Keep the Same Sex Schedule, Week In, Week Out
As an MD and ob/gyn I have had a unique perspective about sex, both personally and professionally. Here are 14 of MY top reasons women do not want sex.
1. Don’t save sex for late night only. Getting going when you first wake up might seem like the opposite of sexy because, well, morning breath, and also, how unforgiving is stark daylight?
But it’s a great opportunity to connect before the start of a busy day—when you have all the energy you need for a good romp. Plus, both of your testosterone levels peak in the early morning, so you can bet that he’ll be so turned on that you’re turned on that he won’t even notice your bedhead.
Daytime sex in general can reignite your passion because it adds variety. Even a quickie—in the bathroom, the kitchen, your bedroom—can do the trick.
2. You Eat Foods that Bloat
While excellent for your health, cruciferous veggies like broccoli, cauliflower, and cabbage can cause belly bloat and gassiness. Consumption of high sodium and fried foods also have this effect—and they make you feel heavy and full.
If you’re going to eat these foods, make sure you give yourself at least 4 hours to digest before a sex session. And take some digestive enzymes to aid the process. You may also want to eat your heaviest meal at lunchtime, when digestion is strongest, and keep your dinner light.
Whatever you do, don’t lie down after a big meal—it can lead to gastroesophageal reflux, which is when the contents of the stomach flow back up into the esophagus. Hardly the recipe for a steamy night in the sack.
While excellent for your health, cruciferous veggies like broccoli, cauliflower, and cabbage can cause belly bloat and gassiness. Consumption of high sodium and fried foods also have this effect—and they make you feel heavy and full.3. You Binge-Watch TV Shows
With entire seasons of your favorite show available on Netflix, you might be tempted to spend cozy nights in bed catching up on House of Cards—instead of playing strip poker with your husband.
It’s impossible to be passionate when you’re emotionally sucked into a television drama, so resist the urge to binge-watch regularly. And you might be surprised; if you give up the tube, you might just gain more closeness with your spouse.
With entire seasons of your favorite show available on Netflix, you might be tempted to spend cozy nights in bed catching up on House of Cards—instead of playing strip poker with your husband.4. You Reach for Sugary Snacks
Recent studies have shown that an acute dose of sugar—and not just a sugary diet—reduces testosterone levels. Testosterone is often misunderstood as the “male” hormone, but women produce it, too—and having enough in your bloodstream is a key component to a healthy libido.
Cut back on added sugars by scanning ingredient labels and ditching any packaged foods that have more than 6g of sugar per serving. If you need a fix, go for dark chocolate (at least 70%), which is lower in sugar, or berries. Chocolate-dipped strawberries, anyone?
Recent studies have shown that an acute dose of sugar—and not just a sugary diet—reduces testosterone levels. Testosterone is often misunderstood as the “male” hormone, but women produce it, too—and having enough in your bloodstream is a key component to a healthy libido.5. You Smoke.
This one’s obvious. Bad breath, tooth decay, and gum disease—all very unsexy. Lighting up is also proven to cause premature aging and wrinkles—ruining your looks over time and making you feel less sexy.
But smoking has also been specifically linked to lowered sexual desire and performance, likely because it constricts the blood vessels, which in turn restricts oxygen-rich blood flow to your erogenous zones. In men, this equates with a high risk of erectile dysfunction. Kick the habit and you’ll not only reduce your risk of heart disease and stroke—you’ll also boost your sexual intimacy.
This one’s obvious. Bad breath, tooth decay, and gum disease—all very unsexy. Lighting up is also proven to cause premature aging and wrinkles—ruining your looks over time and making you feel less sexy.6. You Don’t Talk About Sex.
Don’t keep each other in the dark about what you need, what you want, and when. Mixed signals can hamper a relationship—and if you don’t ask for what you want most because you’re afraid of hurting his feelings, then you’re not doing the relationship any favors.
Fact is, couples who are willing to talk openly about their sex lives are more likely to have more satisfying sex. Strong sexual communication takes practice, so start off slow—it can be as simple as asking your partner to do something that gets you going the next time you’re in bed, and telling him exactly why it makes you hot.
Don’t keep each other in the dark about what you need, what you want, and when. Mixed signals can hamper a relationship—and if you don’t ask for what you want most because you’re afraid of hurting his feelings, then you’re not doing the relationship any favors.7. You Don’t Exercise
When you engage in regular physical activity, you improve your circulation, which is a vital part of sexual arousal for both men and women.
Increased blood flow to the genitals makes them more sensitive, which in and of itself can boost desire. Plus, working out raises testosterone, which kickstarts your libido, and dopamine, which lifts your mood and increases your energy.
When you engage in regular physical activity, you improve your circulation, which is a vital part of sexual arousal for both men and women.8. You Think Self-Care is Selfish
If you want to feel desire, you have to feel desirable—and before your partner can take care of you, you have to take care of you. Prioritize some time for yourself to do things you like and enjoy, and that make you feel good.
You might think that love means doting on the other person, but do that too long and resentment will build up, stonewalling you against sex. And since feeling well-rested, attractive, and cared for is so tied to desire for women, skimping on your own self-care is not helpful to anyone.
9. You’re Always in Sweats
If you want to feel desire, you have to feel desirable—and before your partner can take care of you, you have to take care of you. Prioritize some time for yourself to do things you like and enjoy, and that make you feel good.
You might think that love means doting on the other person, but do that too long and resentment will build up, stonewalling you against sex. And since feeling well-rested, attractive, and cared for is so tied to desire for women, skimping on your own self-care is not helpful to anyone.
Sure, you want to be comfortable around the house.We all do. But if you dress like a schlump, you’ll feel like a schlump. And if you perpetually have the “I’ve got no one to impress” mentality, you’re sending the message—to your hubby and to yourself—that you’re not worth the effort it takes to feel sexy.
Does he love you in jeans and a fitted t-shirt? Do you feel more vibrant when you slap on a bright shade of lipstick? It doesn’t take massive effort or expensive lingerie; small everyday tweaks can make a world of difference in how you feel about yourself. And men are visual creatures, so you can bet that he’ll notice—and be aroused.
Sure, you want to be comfortable around the house.We all do. But if you dress like a schlump, you’ll feel like a schlump. And if you perpetually have the “I’ve got no one to impress” mentality, you’re sending the message—to your hubby and to yourself—that you’re not worth the effort it takes to feel sexy.10. You’re Crazy-Stressed.
It’s no secret that your never-ending to-do list is a major buzzkill when it comes to sex. But besides totally wiping your energy,chronic stress can also trigger a cascade of hormonal changesthat mess with your body’s ability to become aroused. Cortisol, the stress hormone, suppresses the production of testosterone—which women need to feel revved up for sex.
Keep your stress under control by setting boundaries and prioritizing intimate activity, which is just as important as any other activity on your calendar, if not more! So many women end up not wanting to have sex or not engaging fully in it because their minds are racing elsewhere.
Set a technology time limit and lock the bedroom door in the evenings, and you could even put some sex dates on the books—which shows you both that you’re making sex a priority.
It’s no secret that your never-ending to-do list is a major buzzkill when it comes to sex. But besides totally wiping your energy,chronic stress can also trigger a cascade of hormonal changesthat mess with your body’s ability to become aroused. Cortisol, the stress hormone, suppresses the production of testosterone—which women need to feel revved up for sex.11. You’re on Medications that Squash Your Sex Drive
Birth control pills can steal a woman’s sex drive and vaginal lubrication. I know, it happened to me at only 28 years old! Birth control pills lower levels of free testosterone by raising a substance known as SHBG or sex hormone binding globulin. Lower free testosterone levels can lead to less desire for sex and less satisfying sex.
The vaginal tissues are sensitive to testosterone so women on the birth control pill can also have vaginal dryness that can even lead to sexual pain. This can even happen in young women on the pill. Other medications that can lower sex drive and frequency of orgasms include cholesterol lowering medications (statins) and anti-depressants like Prozac and Zoloft.
Birth control pills can steal a woman’s sex drive and vaginal lubrication. I know, it happened to me at only 28 years old! Birth control pills lower levels of free testosterone by raising a substance known as SHBG or sex hormone binding globulin. Lower free testosterone levels can lead to less desire for sex and less satisfying sex.12. You Resent Your Partner
Studies show that the top reasons women don’t have sex have to do with their relationship. I see this constantly in my practice and I’ve seen it in my own life. While many women love their husbands and are happy in their relationship, many tell me they are also carrying around some resentment for their partner.
This was a major issue in my relationship a few years ago – significant enough that it almost led me to a divorce and certainly was leading to less sex in our house. I found out that the key was figuring out my role in the resentment cycle. Frequently when I felt resentful it was because I wasn’t setting boundaries in my relationship. Instead of doing things for myself like going to a spa appointment, I would stay home because I thought it would upset my husband if I wasn’t doting on him and my family. So I stayed home doing what I saw as my duty, increasing my resentment.
I learned from a very wise counselor that if I set boundaries and started taking better care of myself that I’d experience less resentment. She taught me that when resentment is high, self-care is low and this is a mantra I now live by. When my self care is higher and resentment is lower, sex is much higher on my to-do list. This concept has changed my relationship and those of patients I’ve taught it to.
Studies show that the top reasons women don’t have sex have to do with their relationship. I see this constantly in my practice and I’ve seen it in my own life. While many women love their husbands and are happy in their relationship, many tell me they are also carrying around some resentment for their partner.13. Your Hormones Are Out of Whack
In our everyday life we can be exposed to chemicals that mess up our hormones. There are many chemicals in our everyday environment like parabens and BPA that act like hormones, particularly estrogen. These chemicals can be found in household items like parabens in shampoo, conditioner and body lotion or BPA in canned goods.
Too much estrogen relative to progesterone, also known as estrogen dominance can wreak havoc with your sex life. Too much estrogen can also lead to weight gain, bloating, excessive, irregular periods and serious irritability – doesn’t sound too sexy! Additionally progesterone, the hormone that balances estrogen, tends to go down with age and with stress. The higher estrogen and lower progesterone can create make women feel moody, fat and exhausted with sex as the last thing on their mind.
In our everyday life we can be exposed to chemicals that mess up our hormones. There are many chemicals in our everyday environment like parabens and BPA that act like hormones, particularly estrogen. These chemicals can be found in household items like parabens in shampoo, conditioner and body lotion or BPA in canned goods.14. You’re Too Tired
I hear from women all the time that they would rather get a good night’s sleep than have a good orgasm. Why? Because they’re exhausted. Firing up your energy can be as simple as changing a few habits.
A recent Gallup poll showed that 40% of Americans get 6 hours of sleep or less per night. Of course you need to sleep 7-8 hours per night to feel better rested. To keep energy up throughout the day eating small frequent meals containing at least 10g of protein and staying away from sugary foods can help. Keeping your blood sugar balanced is an important function that your body must spend energy to do.
Having low blood sugar at times throughout the day can make you more tired. If you regulate your blood sugar during the day with small, frequent meals, you’ll have more energy left over for love-making.
I hear from women all the time that they would rather get a good night’s sleep than have a good orgasm. Why? Because they’re exhausted. Firing up your energy can be as simple as changing a few habits.
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